As I mentioned last week, I am so grateful to my friends who are children of divorce for offering the advice they wish they could have given their parents during the pivotal time in their lives when they were navigating their divorce. Thank you to my friend, M, who shares her unique insights below:
First Initial: M
Current Age: 34
Gender: F
Age When Your Parents Separated/Divorced: 6
1. Now that you're able to look back on your parents' divorce, what piece of advice do you wish you could have given them to make the divorce easier on you or to better support you through the transition?
Never speak ill of your ex to or around your child. Ever.
This is the number one piece of advice I would give to anyone going through a divorce with children. Yes, it is probably a difficult ask. It means that when you have your worst days, when you are tired, when things in your life are triggering you, it means you have to remain vigilant. And you have to be vigilant not just in the things you say, but in your nonverbal responses too. Your kids are more perceptive and have more emotional intelligence than you realize: they pick up on the eye rolls, heavy sighs, and the probing/judgmental questions. Unfortunately, my parents did not adhere to this rule. I remember the harsh criticisms, the arguments over the phone they thought they were hiding, I remember the round of 20 questions we played every time there was a change in custody where my parents would try to pump me for information about the other. Ultimately, this made me learn - from an early age - how to lie and how to people please. If I knew certain comments or stories would elicit a negative response from my parents I would lie, omit, or edit stories in order to pacify them. For example, if I knew it upset Mom to hear about Dad’s new girlfriend and her great taste in movies, I would lie and say I hated Dad’s new girlfriend and I never had any fun when she was around.
To be blunt, your kids don’t care about why you broke up and whether one person was the “bad guy”. There is no reason to disparage the other parent or share the gory details of your divorce. If your kids are particularly young, they probably still view the two of you as superheroes and there’s no reason to shatter that image prematurely. Be kind when you speak of one another, be patient in dealing with one another, be considerate of one another. If on occasion you screw up, don’t be hard on yourself, forgive yourself but also make it a point to apologize to your child for speaking negatively of their parent. Explain to them that you didn’t mean it and that you’re angry, but you’re working on it. Then work on it. Find something admirable about your ex, maybe even a trait they passed down to your kids. Focus on the positive because your child needs the both of you in their life. Which brings me to my second piece of advice -
Fight to be in your child’s life—and fight for your ex to be in your child’s life.
Even though your marriage is over, your kids still love you and need both of you in their lives. Recognize that your child is a completely separate individual from you and for the sake of their own growth and fulfillment, they should feel supported in cultivating full and healthy relationships with both of their parents. This means that in addition to not speaking poorly of one another, you have to find a way to co-exist. Your kids will likely want both their parents at those milestone moments: sporting events, school concerts, graduation, etc... One of the most frustrating and painful memories of my childhood was having to constantly split time with my parents because they refused to be in the same room as one another. Often this meant I had to figure out which parent to invite to a particular event so they wouldn’t have to cross paths. I put in a lot of effort into divvying up time between each of my parents, even though it was hurtful to me.
A better way for parents to tackle this is to acknowledge from the outset that you are going to have to continue to co-parent your child - even as you move on with your separate lives. Make it clear to your child that you actively want to participate in their lives and show up. Don’t hesitate in attending events on the chance that you might run into your ex. Better still - if you notice one parent seems consistently absent from these events, reach out with an olive branch and encourage them to show up. If you’re having a difficult time, seek out therapy and support for how to move on from your ex. Inevitably you are going to have to see them and interact with them after your divorce. The more you can make these interactions peaceable and pleasant, the better it will be for your child’s confidence and emotional well-being.
2. What is one thing you wish your parents had told you during the process (or what is the most helpful thing your parents told you)?
I don't think there is any one thing you can say to your child that will give them complete reassurance and make the process “easier”. For children, divorce is about change. A LOT of change. People all deal with change differently and at their own pace. More important than any one thing you can say to your child will be how you show up for them and how you teach them to adapt and cope with change.